Fake Feelings, Real Damage: Spotting the Expats Who Exploit ‘Healing’

I trust how people move more than the labels they wear.

In expat spaces, “love,” “healing,” and “safe space” get used like proof of character. The thing is, when people are looking for connection or rebuilding their lives, that kind of language makes it easier to trust the wrong person.

So what does it look like when the community begins to trust the wrong person?

It can look like many different ways, but there’s a pattern that I have noticed that a personality archetype of chaos tends to exhibit. 

It rarely begins with something obvious.

More often, it starts with someone who sounds right. They often use buzz words like, “peace”, “intentions” and “vibes” But these words are rarely used in practice. 

You can think of these catch phrases as word place holders meant for you to fill in the blanks of meaning, therefore reducing the chances of disagreement. If there’s friction, you will be less likely to go along with the impending BS that’s sure to follow. 

There might be small differences in perspective, but nothing that immediately raises concern…

✔️The language makes sense. 

✔️The “intention” feels “aligned”. 

✔️They present themselves as thoughtful, grounded and invested and down for the cause.

There are usually visible markers of credibility, too. Today, a solid social media presence or polished LinkedIn profile are enough to make most people comfortable. It’s like looking at a snapshot of a persons resume, and that alone is usually enough to keep things moving without too many questions.

So, people stay open.

“We’re here for the same reason; to build a space where people can show up as themselves.” 🛑Full stop! This is an assumption. Ask me how I know 🥲

The desire to interact with community safely is the cornerstone of our philosophy of community development. We know what happens when people operate from a place of fear of being ostracized because they spoke out about something impactful to them or a scammer. Over time it erodes community trust and livelihood. 

Over time, things just stop adding up.

The shift isn’t usually dramatic or something that immediately raises red flags. Things change over the course of, what I like to call, “mini disruptions”. And yes, these ripples are often orchestrated in order to provide opportunities for pillagers a foothold, siphoning the life out of the community and causing drama. 

Now, I love a good novela, but I refuse to act it out in real life. There is almost nothing I loathe more than unprovoked shenanigans, especially when it comes to community building activities. 

People who market themselves under the guise of “love and light” are often the secular version of prosperity preachers. Instead of the fire and brimstone spiel, it’s generic spirituality, “intentions and healing” signifying nothing.

So, in real time it looks like this:

➡️ disruption or heavy topic 

➡️ radical opposing viewpoint

➡️ reality based correction

➡️ some kind of weird ass blowup at something that is certifiably ridiculous 

➡️ community processing starts taking place and working through issues as they come- AND BAM…

‼️ some after the fact breakdown dissecting how the disruption was handled and questioning what *should* have happened 😑

Where was this engagement and presence in the moment when it actually mattered? 

Chiming in with a 4 page letter response after the fact is not support. That’s commentary without responsibility.

If you care about how something’s handled, you show up when it’s happening.

Now, lock in, friend…

I actually appreciate opposition and debates. I don’t shy away from talking about the hard stuff, but I do draw some hard lines at liberty, life and limb. 

To say that I am exhausted at this circle jerk of community chaos is an understatement. It’s literally the reason why we cannot have nice things and why things are often kept small and private. 

The dreaded rinse and repeat…

Over time, every mini distractions starts getting rerouted.

Instead of fixing what actually happened, the focus shifts elsewhere. Now the conversation isn’t about the issue, it turns into who caused it. Making space for them and re-centering their experience instead. 

Not every situation needs reopening.
Not every person needs to be invited back in.
Not every moment calls for a group chat.

Sometimes things are handled and that’s the end of it.

But when everything gets redirected like that?
It stops being about resolution and it becomes about control.

If you zoom in you will start to see the inconsistencies in how chaos causes move. 

The only things that these people are consistent with are 

• Questioning decisions after they are made.

• Conversations happening around leadership and not through it.

• A steady effort to reposition how things should work… without holding any responsibility for the space itself.

You can’t say you respect a community while working around the people who hold it. (Red flag) That’s interference, not collaboration.

Let’s stop dressing this up in guru language with a hint of therapy speak and talk about what was really happening. 

What it looks like: Someone builds trust quickly through “care” language and private conversations

What it really is: Grooming the space

What it looks like: Conversations get rerouted instead of resolved

What it really is: Deflection and distraction

What it looks like: “Healing” language replaces direct communication

What it really is: Spiritual bypassing

What it looks like: Leadership gets challenged from the sidelines

What it really is: Undermining

What it looks like: Someone threatens to leave, then immediately pulls people into their own space

What it really is: Audience hijacking and crowd draining

You don’t need fancy words to see it. You really just need to pay attention to the pattern.

Here’s why it sticks. If someone presents themselves as grounded… people assume they are. When someone speaks in the language of care… people hesitate to question it.

No one wants to be the person who looks like they’re “against healing.” So things slide longer than they should, even when they don’t feel right.

But what does this do  to a community? It slows everything down. Wayyyy down. 

Clear situations turn into long, unnecessary processes while direct communication gets replaced with rerouting. People start second-guessing what they already understood.

And leadership? They spend more time managing disruption than building anything.
And this is just some of the surface level damage…

There’s a difference between being open and being available. Community doesn’t mean

• Unlimited access

• Every perspective needs to be centered

• We entertain every framework someone brings in

Some things get addressed directly and we move forward. That’s how things hold.

So now, instead of moving off of titles and vague guru language, I watch behavior. 

➡️Who shows up in real time

➡️Who speaks directly

➡️Who respects structure

➡️Who knows when to step in… and when to stay out because that tells me everything.

Community isn’t built on pretending to care. It’s built on being people centered and being clear. The next time you hear ‘vibes’ or ‘peace,’ pause. Ask for one concrete example. If the answer is vague, walk away. 

And whatever you do, don’t fund the guru‑grift. Channel that energy into a community project that makes the results visible to everyone.

Written by Dr. Salaama Journey for Mérida Collective Magazine